??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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