Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
