Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
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I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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