im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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