the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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