"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
