I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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