It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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