my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
