i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
