i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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