The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
