I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
