Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
