someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
