she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
