Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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