I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
