Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
