my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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