So drunk its hurt
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
