Whod you bang
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
