I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
