I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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