I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
