This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
