I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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