So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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