the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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