Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
