I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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