How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
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And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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