I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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