You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We are all done wearing pants today
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
