They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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