Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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