guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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