My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
