is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
