Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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