I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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