I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
