im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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