I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
