Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize