god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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