I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
