He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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