so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
