whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
