I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
