I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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