I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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