Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize