The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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