I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
