God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
