So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Girls should come with a carfax report
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
