just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
