You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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